questions, waiting, fear, thanksgiving and why?

Several weeks back while undressing I found a lump near my breast. After finding the one lump I did a self breast exam and found another. While I knew that lumps can be totally normal and that I have no family history of breast cancer, I think any woman would get nervous about an odd looking lump.

I’m not good at waiting. Patience does not come easily for me. First, I had to wait until Monday to call the doctor because it was a Saturday night. Then, the doctor wanted me to wait until I had a period since hormones can cause lumps. Finally, my appointment was made and I was so relieved that I would finally get some answers. That is until after doing an exam the doctor set me up for an ultra sound the following week. So there I was with another week to go. After the ultra sound, it took 6 days for me to get the results back.

I called the nurse who said, “your diagnosis is blah blah blah blah blah,” as she struggled through some big words that meant nothing to me. “Is that good or bad?” I asked. “Um.. I’ll be right back.” And then I was on hold trying to decide if those words sounded scary or not. She got back on the phone. “The doctor said, no cancer, they are benign lumps that the doctor recommends getting rechecked every 6 months to make sure they haven’t changed.” I let out my breath that felt like I had been holding for a few weeks.

Over the last few weeks I knew that most likely there wasn’t anything major wrong. The doctor initially thought it was my lymph nodes that were enlarged so I was thinking along the lines of an infection. But still.. I do have an uncle who had hodgkin’s lymphoma… what if…?

What if God was going to call me to suffer this? What if my work on earth is done? Could I suffer in a way that glorified him? What about my children? Have I lived my life so far to it’s fullest potential?

This morning I was praying for someone who is most likely in the final stages of fighting a terrible disease. And I wondered why? Why not me? I was moved to worship God with a clearer understanding of His mercy. Because I don’t deserve good health. I deserve nothing but God’s wrath. Some how though, I am receiving His blessing and His great mercy today. It made me view my life with a kind of fear as I thought, “I’m here for a reason or else God would take me home.” O LORD help me to live for Your purposes! Let me not squander the precious blessing of life You have given to me so undeserved!

Caedmon’s call has a song called Mystery of Mercy that goes;

My God, my God, why hast thou accepted me?
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty king
My God, my God, why hast thou accepted me?
It’s a Mystery of mercy and of song
The song I sing

I realize so much of my life I spend asking “Why?” about the wrong things. “Why am I suffering? Why am I carrying this grief? Why am I sick?” Instead of asking, “Why did He suffer for me? Why did he bear my sickness, my shame and my sorrow? Why was He acquainted with grief? Why has He made me His friend?

Today is an incredible gift. Yes, I have trials but I also have blessings that other’s would give so much to have. I have the gift of movement and independence that a quadriplegic spends their life dreaming about. I don’t have cancer! I have two children when I used to wonder if I would ever have a child. I have an abundance of so many things that I don’t ever want to take for granted. And I’m thankful for this little trial of patience and faith that I went through because I was blessed with a little more eternal perspective and a little better understanding of God’s mercy.

“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1:2-4

“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer” Romans 12:12


Mom and kid fun day (taking a day off from the busyness life)

This morning I pushed myself through my early morning routine before my husband got off his shift. I was tired from being up with the baby and I get easily discouraged when my husband has to work a shift that leaves me the only care giver for our children for around 22-23 hours a day. I felt grumpy and groaned inwardly thinking about the monotonous schedule of caring for home and children ahead of me.

I prayed and ask the Lord to give me love for my children and my job of raising them. I asked Him to change my heart about the day ahead. I thought, “It would be nice to have a day where I could just be a mom and enjoy my kids instead of having so much other work to do as well.” I thought about it while getting dressed and decided, why not? Why not just for 1 day, put every thing else aside and just hang out with my kids? There is always tomorrow to catch up on house work but only today to build a relationship with my children.

I have a journal that I got recently that each night before bed I’ve been writing down in 1-2 sentences some way that I had fun with or really connected with my children that day. I struggled last night to come up with something. Sure, there were things I did with them, we read books, I sang them songs, took them on a walk. But, I was just going through the motions of the day looking forward to them going to bed because I was exhausted from dealing with behavior issues and constant demands. I don’t want to feel that way about my kids. They are my greatest joy in life and if I loose sight of that I realize I need to step back and reprioritize some.

Today was a “yes” day. Yes to whatever fun my kids wanted to do and everything else got pushed aside.

The baby woke up and I let him squeal and laugh as load as he wanted instead of trying to keep him from waking up his sister. I blew raspberries on his tummy and tickled his toes. When E woke up I usually change her pull up, dress her and make her brush her teeth right away as she wines throughout the whole process. This morning though I said yes to snuggles while she wore a bloated pull-up and said yes to kisses and chatting with stinky breath. The last thing i probably felt tike doing this morning was playing ‘pretend there is a monster behind the couch’ but that’s what E wanted to do so I played like I was scared and then pretended to be the monster and chase her around the house.

I packed up the kids in the car and headed off to Starbucks (fun for both of us!). I didn’t put on makeup or do my hair, and I wore my husbands wool sweater and flip-flops. I was comfortable and ready to play. I ordered Ella a foamed milk with vanilla syrup and let her pick out what ever she wanted to eat. I loved watching how grown up she felt drinking from a “mama cup.” We stayed there for an hour as she ate her choice of dehydrated cheese and a fruit pouch. (Weird breakfast I know.) She socialized with people and watched the cars go by as I fed T.J his baby food. I let her touch every balloon that was decorating a promotional table. “Can we go to the library?’ she asked. “Yes!” (she didn’t know that was what I was planning on doing with her anyways.)

We sat on the rug together for story time and I did tummy time with T.J. We got to pet a rabbit the librarian brought and I put and cleaned up as many puzzles as she wanted to do. She made a rabbit ear head band and I let her use as much glue as her heart desired! We checked out books and I let her stay until every other child had left and she was satisfied that she had done everything there was to do.


I don’t normally let her watch T.V on short car rides but today I said yes to Milo and Otis on the car T.V. We got home and I said yes  to 3 episodes of leap frog as I nursed T.J put him to bed and made lunch. I had to use some of that time to do dishes and send off some stuff in the mail ’cause you know, sanitation and deadlines lol.

I said yes to 6 books while we cuddled before her nap. I had to finally start saying no to her hundredth pre nap time request or she would have never slept though!

After her nap she wanted 2 bowls of cheerios for a snack. Why not?

She went crazy with markers on a giant roll of butcher paper.

Late afternoon I started to run a fever, my throat began to get sore and my blood sugars started running high, really wiping me out. (Looking back this is probably a part of why I felt so discouraged this morning.)

The Lord helped me this evening and I made E hot dog and chips and peas for dinner (one of her favorites and it was super easy for me!)

I gave her a bubble bath with a crazy amount of bubbles in it, what could be more fun?

Before bed both the children and I laid in my bed together and turned on a toy that projects stars onto the ceiling. We finished the day off with a couple more books. I’m leaving the laundry, the toys, and the scattered dishes right where they are and heading to bed myself!

I wish I didn’t feel so awful now, but I’m so thankful I had such a fun day with my kids and I hope I made some memories for Ella. I need to put the housework and errands aside more often and just have some relaxing yes days. I have lots of things to pick for my gratitude journal tonight. 🙂


I found this book at the library and thought it fit our day perfectly!


2015 Thankful list

We had our Thanksgiving celebration today (the day after Thanksgiving) and to mark the occasion I want to take some time to sit down and reflect on all the things God has blessed me with. So here’s a list of thanksgiving in no particular order.

  1. my husband
  2. my daughter
  3. a baby boy born this year
  4. my baby boy in heaven
  5. our home
  6. an abundance of good food
  7. clean water
  8. heat for our home
  9. the Bible
  10. to live in the U.S.A
  11. to have heard the gospel
  12. for friends
  13. for church
  14. for extended family
  15. for our vehicles
  16. I’m thankful to live in a safe community
  17. for my husbands job
  18. for our health
  19. for the discovery of and access to insulin
  20. for my baby’s sweet scent
  21. for my 2 year old’s curiosity
  22. for books
  23. I’m thankful for the ability to read
  24. for the ability to give to others
  25. love
  26. romance
  27. fresh country air
  28. dirt roads
  29. ocean waves
  30. I’m thankful for the gift of all 5 senses to enjoy all these blessings. The ability to touch, taste, hear, see and smell.
  31. Heaven
  32. the hope of the resurrection
  33. prayer
  34. The Holy Spirit’s encouragement
  35. clothes
  36. music
  37. instruments
  38. the ability to learn new things
  39. porch swings
  40. coffee
  41. chocolate
  42. pumpkin pie
  43. animals
  44. I’m thankful to live near a great homeschool community
  45. laughter
  46. joy
  47. I’m thankful for the way tears and suffering bring us closer to God
  48. for friends who help through hard times
  49. for the woods
  50. flowers
  51. rainbows
  52. the smell of fresh cut grass
  53. family road trips
  54. natural supplements
  55. modern medicine
  56. the internet
  57. the smell of old books
  58. book stores
  59. the ability to tuck my children in bed each night
  60. for good mornings and new beginnings
  61. sunrises
  62. sunsets
  63. poetry
  64. beautiful paintings and artwork
  65. gardens
  66. I’m thankful for the clean smell after a cleansing rain
  67. for sweet baby sounds
  68. for our library
  69. I’m thankful to have multiple grocery stores to choose from
  70. for color
  71. for beauty
  72. for the warmth of a hug
  73. smiles
  74. The Cross
  75. God’s promises
  76. blogs
  77. date nights
  78. exercise
  79. hand written letters
  80. cousins for my children to grow up with
  81. I’m thankful for old hymns
  82. For windows to open and let in fresh air
  83. For silly times and inside jokes
  84. good conversation
  85. new life in Christ
  86. I’m thankful that I can do all things through Christ’s strength
  87. funny T.V shows
  88. singing birds
  89. walks
  90. for boats
  91. family dinners
  92. fo lobsters because they are so tasty
  93. and butter because it’s good on lobsters and everything else
  94. I’m thankful that my husband loves me
  95. and that He loves God even more
  96. I’m thankful that God loves me
  97. I’m thankful that Jesus is coming back to get us
  98. I’m thankful for the Thanksgiving holiday
  99. for the ability to praise and worship God
  100. I’m thankful that my blessings far out number this list


We are the Lord’s

Wednesday morning we had an appointment for a fetal echocardiogram at the high risk doctor’s office. There was no reason to think there was a problem with baby Tanner’s heart but it is routine to take an extra close look at the heart of the baby if the mother has diabetes. The part of baby Tanner’s heart that could be affected by me having diabetes was perfectly healthy but the heart doctor did catch something else. Baby Tanner was diagnosed with coarctation of the aorta. In overly simplistic terms, his aorta valve has formed with a portion of it that is to thin. Three things could happen.

1. As his heart continues to develop in the womb his heart could change shape and correct itself.

2. During the changes that occur to the heart in the 24 hours after birth the heart could heal itself.

Number three we are told is statistically the most likely event to happen.

3. The heart will not change shape and he will need life saving heart surgery within the first few days of life.

There are a lot of unknowns. I want to now the future. I want to know if my child is going to be born perfectly healthy or need heart surgery to save his life. But I can’t know. I could go bonkers worrying about a future I have no control over or I can choose to hang onto those things I do know.

And I do know some very powerful truths about my future and the future of my son.

I believe God when He says in Romans 14:8 “For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore or die, we are the Lord’s.”

I know if baby Tanners’s heart heals itself, baby Tanner is the Lord’s.

I know if he needs surgery he is the Lord’s.

Whatever scenario life brings us and God calls us to walk, we are the Lord’s.

I didn’t pick this verse because we think baby Tanner may die. This heart defect is thankfully one that is easy to fix and that babies go on to live a normal healthy life after surgery. I find comfort in this verse because I know that whatever life brings, I am the Lord’s and my children belong to him also.

I have had a child die. My first child died. But never for a moment was he not or is he not in the hand of his heavenly father.

I am blessed to have an energetic, happy healthy 2 year old. Parenting after a loss is not easy but I know Ella belongs to the Lord.

In the mundane of every day I am the Lord’s, held in His hand and kept by the power of His blood. When my life is over and my time on earth is done, I will then still be the Lord’s.

The saying has become cliche but is true, “I don’t know the future but I know the One who holds the future.”

And I know that I am His.