When I feel like a failure

Things don’t always go like planned…

I know that, I’ve known that my whole life but it still doesn’t make the reality any easier sometimes.

Yesterday was a hard day of motherhood for me. Just being honest. I kept reminding myself how easy the day was compared to people who are suffering or going without but my thankfulness was not taking me very far. It was icy yesterday so I couldn’t go anywhere and no one could come over for a play date. My husband had to go into work and brave the ice leaving me alone with two small children for 13 hours.

I took them out in the snow, did play dough, make treats, and then it turned 9:45 a.m. I’m extroverted so days when I have no one to talk to no one to see, I get lonely and easily depressed. The kids and I both had cabin fever by the afternoon which made us all kind of grouchy.

I felt like I was failing at my marriage challenge when I didn’t have any coconut oil to make what I wanted. Instead of making a treat I dressed up in a date night outfit to try and look pretty for my husband when he got home.

This morning I got up at 4:30 so I could surprise my husband by going out in the 12 degree weather and starting his truck but in addition to starting it I guess I hit the lock button on the key without realizing it and I didn’t know it but I locked his truck. I didn’t know it until when he went out there he had to get on his hands and knees in the snow to get the spare key from underneath his truck. Me trying to do something nice just made his morning less convenient and cost me a half an hour of sleep.

So why am I writing this all out?

I wish I were perfect, I wish I didn’t make mistakes but I am both finite and sinful. Wether it’s mistakes like locking a truck or sin like yelling at my kids I have to be thankful that,

“But he, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, and destroyed them not: yea, many a time turned he his anger away, and did not stir up all his wrath. For he remembered that they were but flesh; a wind that passeth away, and cometh not again.” Psalm 78: 38-39

If God has mercy on me shouldn’t I remember also that I am but flesh?

If God is not holding a record of my sin shouldn’t I let it go as well?

When I feel like a failure I need to look to the cross and see the One who bought my victory. Victory over sin will come when I admit to my utter helplessness and cling to my Helper.

I’m thankful today is a new day. It’s a day to start new. I’m hoping the roads have de iced some and I can get out of the house!

I realize today that I will make mistakes but I’m asking God to help me to love and to see myself from His perspective. A part of me is afraid to ask to see myself from God’s perspective because my knee jerk reaction is to view God as condemning me but when I look to scripture it says, “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.” John 3:17. God loves me.

As I’ve shared on here before, I really like the mantra from the book Hands Free Mama, “only love today.” Each time I start to beat myself up mentally for my imperfections, I’m going to try and replace it with that, “only love today.” I feel stupid for locking the truck but, “Only love today.” Grace.

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