questions, waiting, fear, thanksgiving and why?

Several weeks back while undressing I found a lump near my breast. After finding the one lump I did a self breast exam and found another. While I knew that lumps can be totally normal and that I have no family history of breast cancer, I think any woman would get nervous about an odd looking lump.

I’m not good at waiting. Patience does not come easily for me. First, I had to wait until Monday to call the doctor because it was a Saturday night. Then, the doctor wanted me to wait until I had a period since hormones can cause lumps. Finally, my appointment was made and I was so relieved that I would finally get some answers. That is until after doing an exam the doctor set me up for an ultra sound the following week. So there I was with another week to go. After the ultra sound, it took 6 days for me to get the results back.

I called the nurse who said, “your diagnosis is blah blah blah blah blah,” as she struggled through some big words that meant nothing to me. “Is that good or bad?” I asked. “Um.. I’ll be right back.” And then I was on hold trying to decide if those words sounded scary or not. She got back on the phone. “The doctor said, no cancer, they are benign lumps that the doctor recommends getting rechecked every 6 months to make sure they haven’t changed.” I let out my breath that felt like I had been holding for a few weeks.

Over the last few weeks I knew that most likely there wasn’t anything major wrong. The doctor initially thought it was my lymph nodes that were enlarged so I was thinking along the lines of an infection. But still.. I do have an uncle who had hodgkin’s lymphoma… what if…?

What if God was going to call me to suffer this? What if my work on earth is done? Could I suffer in a way that glorified him? What about my children? Have I lived my life so far to it’s fullest potential?

This morning I was praying for someone who is most likely in the final stages of fighting a terrible disease. And I wondered why? Why not me? I was moved to worship God with a clearer understanding of His mercy. Because I don’t deserve good health. I deserve nothing but God’s wrath. Some how though, I am receiving His blessing and His great mercy today. It made me view my life with a kind of fear as I thought, “I’m here for a reason or else God would take me home.” O LORD help me to live for Your purposes! Let me not squander the precious blessing of life You have given to me so undeserved!

Caedmon’s call has a song called Mystery of Mercy that goes;

My God, my God, why hast thou accepted me?
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty king
My God, my God, why hast thou accepted me?
It’s a Mystery of mercy and of song
The song I sing

I realize so much of my life I spend asking “Why?” about the wrong things. “Why am I suffering? Why am I carrying this grief? Why am I sick?” Instead of asking, “Why did He suffer for me? Why did he bear my sickness, my shame and my sorrow? Why was He acquainted with grief? Why has He made me His friend?

Today is an incredible gift. Yes, I have trials but I also have blessings that other’s would give so much to have. I have the gift of movement and independence that a quadriplegic spends their life dreaming about. I don’t have cancer! I have two children when I used to wonder if I would ever have a child. I have an abundance of so many things that I don’t ever want to take for granted. And I’m thankful for this little trial of patience and faith that I went through because I was blessed with a little more eternal perspective and a little better understanding of God’s mercy.

“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1:2-4

“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer” Romans 12:12

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